Several things happened today that have brought me to sit down and write this post for you, because perhaps you have been in my shoes, or perhaps you are in my shoes, and I want to offer my support and advice. Because ladies, life is really forking hard sometimes. Like really really, I want to cry but I am holding it together, hard. My back hurts where I am holding so much stress in my body right now.
So this morning I had a contact lenses appointment and when it was near the end the lady spoke to me about paying for them and I realised I didn’t have enough money, so I quickly asked my mum. This situation just reminded me that I am working for nothing and being really poor is in my future for some time now. Which frankly, really really sucks! Then, when I got home I was tidying my room. I am moving house on Saturday (in three days!) and I am currently living at my mums house. My clothes are in broken plastic boxes, because I cannot afford new, nicer ones, and my stuff is literally in four different rooms of the house. It’s very frustrating. Whilst folding clothes into my plastic boxes I said to myself that one day I will be hanging my ironed clothes in a wardrobe in my beautiful home. After the reminder earlier that day that I was very, very poor, it fed into my frustration again. I am not where I want to be and the road seems longer than ever right now. After tidying I sat down to do my daily gratitude practice and write my goals. I normally do them in the morning, however today I had a late and busy start. Better late than never. Sitting there at my desk looking at my motivational post-it’s, my big audacious goal list, and my long to-do list I just cried. Life is tough and heavy. BUT. As I was folding clothes back into my broken plastic box, and looking over my life goals, and my post-its with all my reminders and positive words, and getting upset because I was unable to pay for my contact lenses, I just kept thinking, ‘this season will not win’. I have been through some incredibly hard times in my life, however this year has been so transformative and eye-opening. So much good has come from this last year for me, and I have so much good around me and to look forward too. This hard season, this crappy year, DOES NOT GET TO WIN. With power comes great responsibility. I chose to not go back into paid work. I chose to move house, out of London. I chose so many things that have led me to where I am today. And I chose them because I believe in this dream, this life, this career that I have imagined for myself for as long as I can remember. Making a choice to do hard things is easy, doing the hard things, going through the motions, being patient and consistent and standing back up again and again, and being your own cheerleader every damn day, even when nobody else is sat in the stalls, now that, is forking hard. What choices have you made that have led you to where you are today that have been hard, but necessary?
Hard and amazing seasons come and go. Being in the hard ones though tests you in so many ways. I am reminded of something I once heard, greatness will demand everything you have. You have to earn it. So yes my back aches and is very uncomfortable. And yes I have cried because things are hard, and yes I have had the voice of self-doubt in my head saying I should give in today. But I made a promise to the little girl I once was, that had a massive dream to create a better life for herself. I made a promise to myself. I promised that no matter what life throws at me, or how impossible something might feel, I will show up and go again. No matter what.
I will forever say I can do this with tears in my eyes. A beautiful quote by an unknown author, which I feel is very relevant for today. If you believe in yourself, in your dream, you can do it. No matter how hard things may get, you are stronger and you can do it. What promise have you made to yourself that you can keep reminding yourself of whenever things get tough? Write it down where you will see it every single day. Remind yourself why you started and also how far you have come.
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible‘!” -Unknown