A bit lonely.

I cried today. Not because something happened, or because someone did something to me. I cried because I am single. I am 26 & I’ve not been in a long-term relationship. I am 26 & I have no potential to be with anybody. I am 26 & I’m not happy about being single. The age part isn’t that important to me. I am enjoying getting older. I guess I point out my age because I’ve spent a long time alone. Sometimes I feel I have gotten too good at being alone. Everything I do in my life is for me & about me. . . it’s going to be really weird to ever change that.

I want to get married & have children. That has always been a part of the future I pictured for myself. Always. I am not ready to get married now, & I’m definitely not ready for babies, but I seem to have gotten to this place where I have arrived to where I was supposed to be. Kind of like when you go to visit an open day at school, each classroom has a different teacher in talking about their subject. You walk around until you find the one you’re looking for. You’ve arrived. I have spent my twenties looking for my room. I still may change my mind & go to another room, however, for now, I know this is where I am meant to be. Whilst I look back & see me being single in my twenties thus far, as an amazing opportunity for growth & self-discovery, now I feel really ready to share it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of being single that I absolutely love, & I don’t honestly know how I’d react to not having them. But I’d give willingly give them up for the opportunity to share my life with somebody. Looking back on my twenties, & a bit before, I have been on a rollercoaster with dating & boyfriends, love, sex & lust. I’ve broken my own heart more times than I can count with my eternal optimistic hope that the guy I was dating was ‘the one’. I’ve given myself to men that didn’t deserve me. I’ve put up with their crap because I wanted to be with them more than I wanted to face dealing with there being issues. I’ve changed myself to impress & entice men to stay interested & stick around. . . None of these things I regret. They were all part of the process I had to go through to get me here. I do now know better. I fell in love with myself. . . I was forced to face myself in the mirror & say ok, I’ll be with you now. Now my standards are higher. My expectations are higher. And I guess that brings me to my ‘arrival’. So here I am, waiting for my partner to arrive. . .

I am not the sort of person that has ever ‘needed’ a man. But I want one. There is something very powerful in that. It does make the finding someone part a bit harder though. Of course I’ve had loads of advice from friends & family. Married friends. Single friends. And everyone seems to say the same thing, ‘it’ll happen when you stop looking’, ‘it’ll happen when it happens’, ‘just enjoy being single, you’re still so young’, ‘you’re not trying hard enough’, ‘maybe you’re not looking in the right places’, you’re standards are too high’. And yeah, somedays I 100% agree, most of these are true. It is a situation entirely out of my control. But, there is a big but, it doesn’t make this moment, this moment that is one of many many moments in the past eight years or so, any easier. . . People asking if I have a boyfriend yet. Friends getting married. Friends having babies. Friends getting a new partner. Someone else posting on social media that they have gotten engaged. . . it never used to bother me. I was so so happy being single. I loved my life. Slowly though, that feeling has started to ebb. And it makes me sad. I am very conflicted because I fully believe there is no ‘right’ age or time to get married or have babies. And I don’t feel pressure, because I feel I ‘should’ be doing that. I feel sad because I long to share my life, the one I have spent so long creating, with someone. I want someone to love me the way I have now learnt to love myself. I want that.

I definitely have patches where I can see me enjoying single life for a bit longer. I have a few different cogs on the go at the moment & I feel they will do better without the distractions of having someone so close in my life. But I also think, when you meet the right person, you make it work. I am very determined & head-strong. I feel I’d never let anyone change my mind or make me loose ambition for my dreams. Ever. You find a way to make your dreams work, together.

I am forever hopeful that I will one day re-read this post & smile, knowing it was always going to happen, I was just being impatient. Forever hopeful. I have to hold onto that, or I think I’d just be miserable. My life is awesome in so many ways, & I have created that & I choose how I live it. I will not let being single change my view of how much potential I have or my drive to achieve my dreams. I am however trying my very best to remember that things can change very quickly. I am remembering that I have a lot of good things to focus on in the now. I am rememebering who I am & who I have spent so long becoming. I am beautiful. I’m awesome. And I am working on a project that is going to mean something. I’m going to change peoples lives. That part matters more. I will not be defined by being single, or not being single.

I am human. I am allowed to fall apart & be sad about being alone. I am allowed to be in this space & really feel & acknowledge why I feel this way & what I can learn about myself from it. I am allowed. After I cried. I then thought, you can cry about this, you’re allowed. But don’t you dare sit there and pity yourself. With something as uncontrollable & unpredictable as finding someone & falling in love, you just cannot dwell in it. It will happen when it happens. And when it does, all the other crap you thought was pointless, will have meaning. You’ll understand the lessons you went through, the things that happened to you. It’ll all make sense.

So yes I’m single & sad. Yes I’m doing all I can to change that. But no, I’m not defined by it & my life, me, is still worth & still worthy of everything I dream of & more.

“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” -Mandy Hale

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