So I have officially finished my career in childcare now (after seven years!) I currently have no job and one week to find a place and move out of my current house. On paper this was the plan I envisioned. Turns out reality is soo much harder.
As I was walking back from the train station today, after a failed attempt at visiting a letting agent (the lady failed to tell me they were closed this weekend! I got cake and went home haha). I had so many thoughts going around in my head. How could I be so stupid. What have I done. How the hell am I suppose to get myself out of this. I just want to go for a run. I need to run (I can’t yet because I am recovering from a sprained ankle! Major eye roll!) Should I go backwards. Am I doing the right thing. Am I really screwed. How am I going to get out of this. . . .
On the flip side of these pessimistic thoughts, I was also saying to myself, “you’ve just got to keep going girl.” Because if I stop. If I take the hand of comfort and safety which keeps repeatedly being offered to me. If I give up on this dream I have. What was the point? What was it all for? All the hardship. The lessons. The hard work. What was it all for?
You know those times when you f**k up reeeal bad and the person you’ve messed things up with just says they are disappointed. Not angry. Disappointed. It’s the worst feeling. Today I said to myself. ‘I never want you to look in the mirror and feel like that. Ever’.
My current situation has to be the toughest yet. The biggest, hardest and most emotional. I have had tough seasons before and each and every time I have this feeling. This confidence that life, my situations, they are all working in my favour. Every single time I come back to this unfaltering confidence that I will find a way. Mostly because I have given myself no other choice. I know my purpose and I know who I am meant to be. There is something profoundly special about this feeling. I am in such a hard season. And yet deep down, I am so happy and proud, like I can almost physically feel myself growing in this hard space.
I think from very early on in life a lot of us come to realise how sh*t life can really be. I think that’s what really defines us. What really makes the stronger ones, stronger. It’s how we deal in hard seasons. How we treat others who try to help. How we present ourselves in times of embarrassment and wrong doing. How we choose to continue regardless of no evidence of things working out. These are the things that make the difference. With this in mind I am choosing to stay optimistic. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. But I am choosing to believe it is there and I am choosing me again. Yes I still have a way to go and yes I cry a lot over not much these days, but I have the one thing nobody gave me and nobody can take from me. Self belief. Self belief is such an important part of achieving your goals. It is the root of success. It takes practice to obtain, but once you have it, it’s like being given wings, you just fly.
I was rich because I had a dream.